You know, I think I spoke too soon when I dashed my first draft down as a “piece of crap.” It’s not so bad when I get through to the good parts. It’s just going to take some serious editing. I had only read through the first quarter of the story when I said those things, and of course it was pretty weak then, because I didn’t yet have a plot figured out. I just read through the first half (and remember, it is a story in two symetrical halves) and feel a lot better about things, like maybe it wasn’t a waste of a month. Phew, as they say.
Archive for December, 2007
It was an overreaction, are you surprised?
Friday, December 28th, 2007
Digitize, my love.
Friday, December 28th, 2007
There was a strange and wonderful tide of digital events today. This morning I arose relatively early (by Christmas vacation standards) to get to work finishing my comic strip by its deadline, and I thought, “The past few times I’ve colored this using watercolors I was definitely underwhelmed,” and so the natural next turn was toward Photoshop. After a half hour of fumbling around with my laptop’s touchpad my dear brother saw me and said, “Do you want to use my Wacom tablet?” And I said, “Yes!” And I forgot how much fun–and efficient!–it can be to Wacom. And furthermore I’ve come to believe that staying in the lines while coloring is strictly for kindergarteners:
(Click image for a full view) I suppose you could call this a preview (pick up your copies of the Riverwest Currents this January!). What, I didn’t tell you that my comic strip is about a blogger? Hm.
Anyway, this evening I went to hang out with my friend Holly who gifted me with a ”Finger Beats” drum machine, and later in the evening an old Yamaha keyboard, both of which couldn’t sound less like real instruments, but in the most exciting way. Born in me were ideas for solo electronic projects or at least experiments. I guess I’d put my money on “experiments.”
Somewhere in the middle of these two digital happenings my family and I took a trip to the zoo and I fed a cracker to a giraffe and watched an otter dive into a pool of near-frozen water and it was all very organic and I refreshing, with the snow and the cold air and the smells and noises of animals. I think I’ll always prefer the organic world, but these occasional rendez-vous with the digital are kind of exhilarating. Anyway, it was a nice day, and thanks for reading about it.
Go ahead, you can laugh all you want.
Wednesday, December 26th, 2007
I took a single semester of Philosophy in college, a course on ethics. While I don’t regret that I never majored in Philosophy, I do wish I had retained a little more of what I learned in that course. Partly because it’s interesting to me, but even more so because it keeps popping up as a potential storyline. Not just an overarching theme–ethics in this modern world–but philosphy is nosing its way in as plot, as characters: philosophers doing things on pages of a book. Philosophise is an action word. Something is brewing, perhaps. But it will require some of that research that I so dread.
Prince of Peace in a war-torn world.
Monday, December 24th, 2007
I thought I’d write a little bit more about Mary and Joseph this Advent and in the end I didn’t write a thing about them. Guessers may suggest it was a Protestant reaction against the virgin Mary (which is not true) or a skeptical mistrust of the earthly father of Jesus, who is barely mentioned after the Nativity story (Did he even stick around?). But the truth is, I have all kinds of respect and devotion when I think about the parents who raised Christ in this world, I just didn’t have the time to write much about them. In my private thoughts I did consider what it would have meant for a scared fifteen year old virgin to learn she was pregnant with the son of God, and why her fiance would stand by her in a time in history when it was not only acceptable but even expected that men put women in their place. I know there was a lot of divine intervention through all of this to make sure that things went on as planned, but even considering that it is pretty evident that Mary and Joseph were some incredible human beings. Those are the things I didn’t have time to write about this Advent, I apologize.
I have a little time today though, on this Christmas Eve of 2007, and I wanted to just say a few things about the Prince of Peace whose arrival we will celebrate tomorrow. Something I have been wondering this season is, “Where is the peace?” Since the birth and life and death and resurrection and ascension of Christ there have been countless wars and holocausts, genocides and massacres, and what’s worse, many of those were exacted in his name. (My grade school mascot was the Crusader, for crying out loud!) Jesus may have been a pacifist himself, but we don’t go around calling every kind-hearted soul the Prince of Peace. Even Ghandi didn’t get that kind of a title. I don’t pretend to know history–I have no idea if the cummulative blood shed was greater in the time before his life or after his life, but I know that this post-Christ era is seemingly infinite and the body-count is growing. How can we call Jesus the Prince of Peace when there is no end in sight, where violence is concerned? Jesus may have saved the souls of this world, but he left us here on earth in no better condition than when he came. Right? So why the “Prince of Peace”?
I don’t really like to admit that my Advent meditation was, at times, less than adoring. We’re supposed to focus on the savior, after all, and didn’t I even write a few words about that, about our expectations being horribly misaligned from God’s? So I continued to ponder it and slowly my skepticism was clouded by a realization. In Advent we are not only remembering what it is to anticipate a savior–a savior who has already come, as those of us in the A.D. know–but we are waiting this very day for his return, when he will bring peace! This is one of those ideas that I’ve heard a thousand times–the second meaning of Advent–but I guess I needed to come to realize it on my own for it to fully sink in. We celebrate the birth of a savior who presently brings peace and quietness to our troubled souls, but we also await a prince of peace who will return and obliterate the suffering of this world! This is something to get excited about, this Advent. Peace is coming! And that name bears all relevance: we await the Prince of Peace.
You will not read my masterpiece of crap.
Sunday, December 23rd, 2007
I spent some time yesterday reading through the first draft of my NaNoWriMo novel. And, ugh. It is terrible! I don’t even know if it is salvageable, which is to say that I doubt any of you will ever be reading it. I think I’m learning that I’m not a fiction author. It’s not that I don’t have the imagination, I just don’t have the guts to put any of it down on paper. And I’m not smart enough in anything or willing to do the research to be a non-fiction author. Which pretty much means that this is it, this blog here. I’m a blogger about nothing and it’s time for me to accept it, or embrace it, whichever feels better.
And thanks Arek for taking a look at my code and unveiling the first of hopefully just a few shortcomings of WordPress.
The best thing that will happen this summer.
Saturday, December 22nd, 2007
I could post a YouTube version of this, but trust me, you want to see it in all its glory so just click here.
It’s all I have time to post tonight, but it’s all you need, really.
One thing about Forsythia.
Friday, December 21st, 2007
There is a new trend this winter: people break icicles off of their houses and stick them pointing upright out of a snowbank, like spikes. I like this. I probably shouldn’t–I’m sure it is dangerous, but I like the aesthetic. It’s about time we did something creative with our icicles, where previously the British have outdone us, or at least Andy Goldsworthy has:
Andy Goldsworthy is The Man, if I may say so. Remind me to scan pictures of a project I did based on his work. In fact, I’m going to spend ten minutes looking for those pictures right now…
Well, I couldn’t find them. And after I gave up looking I went to pick up some dinner, so actually it’s been more than ten minutes that have passed and I’m sure you are just dying to know what this Andy Goldsworthy project of mine looked like but you’ll just have to keep on waiting. For now I’ll just tell you it involved Forsythia and a pool of mud, and yes, a clumsy neighborhood dog did come very close to destroying my vision, but no, he did not prevail.
Edit: Greetings friends from around the globe–it seems that this is my most popular post, and probably you reached it by searching for Andy Goldsworthy, and maybe you were disappointed to find I didn’t have much more insight to offer on the genius of a man. But maybe you would still accept my invitation to visit the rest of my blog, simply by clicking the magic link which is here. Thanks!
Hair and a blank stare.
Wednesday, December 19th, 2007
When I write something here I tend to follow up on it, I’ll give myself that. Today is day 3 of the Wear-Your-Hair-Down-Week personal challenge. I feel a little bit like a cat has taken up permanent residence on the back of my shoulders and neck, which is kind of precious when I imagine it that way. If she would only purr. Last night I went to bed before 8:00, curled up in a ball in my toasty little bedroom and I’m wondering if maybe I am becoming a cat myself. Going to bed that early of course means that I was not very productive last night, which was foolish with Christmas and also my comic strip deadline looming.
I’m going to be really terrible at tagging, I can tell. (Can you guess how often I’m going to use the style tag? Hint, not as much as the weather tag.)
What were we expecting?
Sunday, December 16th, 2007
As chores go, there are a few which I absolutely dread. Doing laundry. Scraping ice off of my car. Updating my website. I’m not talking about this blog, which is relatively maintenance-free, I’m talking about my painting website which I haven’t touched since January, almost a year ago. I have new paintings that I haven’t posted or even photographed. I have other projects that I am neglecting to highlight. And even if it were up-to-date, the overall design is just sloppy. As a painter I am average. As a webmaster I am awful. I just don’t enjoy it! But this whole marketing thing is something I plan to work on in 2008, even if it means paying someone to do my website. Graphic designers, place your bids.
Anyway, today is the third Sunday of Advent and after a wonderful service at church I was really hoping to write a post about it. But it’s not easily coming to me. Which is frustrating, because for the first Advent in my life I feel like I am actually approaching an understanding of this season, what it means to anticipate the Messiah and wait patiently for the fulfillment of God’s promises. Yesterday I did a small amount of Christmas shopping. I’ve been trying to stay at smaller, independent shops this year, partly to avoid the crowd and also to support local businesses. Well, for a reason that is unimportant here, yesterday it became necessary for me to brave not just one but two major shopping malls. By some Advent miracle I was able to find parking spaces with ease and keep narrowly avoided car accidents to a minimum. And when the wave of industrious holiday shoppers hit me inside the doors of Barnes and Noble I was able to smile to myself and think, “This is not what Christmas is about.” It’s not about buying things, but it’s not about admonishing consumerism either. In Girl Meets God, Lauren Winner writes:
“Christmastime may be the hardest season for churches. We are inured not only to the Christmas story itself, but also to our pastors’ annual rants against consumerism. Every creative attempt to make the season meaningful, to steal it back inside the church, away from the shopping malls and cheesy radio stations, has been tried, and most of those creative attempts have proved wanting. Perhaps the problem is that we don’t know what the meaning of this holiday, of Jesus’ pushing into the world, is. If we did, we wouldn’t have to worry about consumerism; if we knew what the Incarnation meant, we’d be so preoccupied with awe that we wouldn’t notice all the shopping.”
Right, so if it’s all about the pending Incarnation and not about anti-consumerism, then what does the Incarnation mean? Surely God could have found a way to save us without getting dirty down here in the business of being human. God Incarnate spent nine months holed up in the womb of a girl–that was his advent. We look at that and say, “How nice that God would make himself relatable to us!” And, “How humble, to be born in a stable!” Of course, that’s what it means, but is that all it means? In the sermon today it was suggested that God had another motive for writing his story this way. The Israelites were expecting a mighty King to deliver them from Roman oppression, to bring justice and peace in that order. And along came a baby, and it’s as if God said, “No, we’ll do this my way, thank you.” We were reminded this morning that Jesus didn’t come to meet our expectations, but to shatter those expectations and make room for God to do things the way he knew best. When Jesus came we didn’t need the swift administration of justice. In fact, if justice had come before the crucifixion we would all be a lot worse off. The Gentiles would be condemned and the Jews would forever need priestly intercession. I can’t imagine we would rush to the shopping malls to celebrate such disappointment. I don’t think we would even sing carols. No, it had to be in this order. First we needed a savior. Justice will come, I’m sure, but in its rightful time. I think that’s what we are waiting for on this side of the Incarnation.
Anyway, I realize this has been a mostly incoherent post which is what I meant when I said it’s not coming easily. I have plenty of thoughts about this stuff but it’s tough to articulate in a concise couple of paragraphs. You indulge me so by reading this far, really. Here is where I should say something light and witty to remind you that I do occasionally offer something entertaining here, and that’s why you’re not about to delete me from your bookmarks, right?
Choose to bruise.
Saturday, December 15th, 2007
Somewhere in my dreams last night I had a thought about free will, which was piggybacked by the thought “You should write about this when you wake up.” It seemed so vivid in its brilliance last night, but like so many dreams upon waking, it has since lost some of its luster. I think, though, that after such an effort to remember this, I owe it to my subconscious to report.
So here. In the dream I was talking to someone (who?) about concepts surrounding God. We came to free will, and I must have explained (although I don’t remember this part) that God created us with free will because he loves us and desires for us to love him back because we want to, not because we have to. The response from this shadowy person was something like, “That’s stupid. If God really loved us he would have omitted free will from our design. Better to be robots who are happy and free from pain and suffering. Better to be robots in tune with their creator than lost and wandering free thinkers.” He went on to explain, “What is the alternative to free will? If we were programmed to obey God and follow his commands we wouldn’t be capable of sin and would never have fallen away from God. We would not need a savior to attain God’s desire for us–eternal fellowship with him–because we would already have it. We might not have chosen it, but everyone would have it and if God really loved us he would want that, he would want to make sure that we were all polished up and neatly put into our places at the end of the day. Instead God has given us the right to choose, putting our salvation at risk, along with our earthly wellbeing: free thinkers dieing of murders, war, cancer, famine, rape, neglect, abuse, disease, poverty, depression, loneliness, suicide–all a result of our choices. This is where our free will ultimately gets us, and maybe some will still choose to seek God through all of that, and to one day spend a perfect, painless eternity with him. And they have chosen to, which pleases God, but isn’t that a rather expensive cost? To turn his eye from so many others, because they wouldn’t tell him what he wanted to hear but he refused to make them tell him? Isn’t this just selfish, on God’s part?”
In my dream I didn’t have an answer, I was more intent on committing the idea to memory. I could come up with a response right now in my wakeful state but it would feel defensive and contrived. My subconscious wanted me to present this side of the argument right now, which is strange because I don’t agree with this side of the argument, and I have never really heard anyone suggest this side of it. The person in my dream genuinely wanted to be a robot! I expect people to say “It’s my life, I can do what I want,” and “If God can turn a blind eye on suffering then I don’t want anything to do with him.” Those are sentiments I can understand, not the desire for programmed response. Who despises their freedom, and the God who gave it to them? Apparently some facet of my subconscious does.
On another day I’ll write my response. I’ll write a love poem about free will–a sonnet, maybe. I think it’s a wonderful thing, although it makes life much more difficult. I think to love someone, you have to let them choose.
It is snowing again. I’ll mention every time it snows, it’s a reflex. You’ll get used to it. I’m trying to get in the habit of using tags, but I think I’ll throw the “weather” tag out the window. I mention the weather a lot, but I don’t want people to get the impression that this is a blog for meteorologists (in case you were starting to wonder). So long weather tag.
It was an overreaction, are you surprised?
Friday, December 28th, 2007Digitize, my love.
Friday, December 28th, 2007There was a strange and wonderful tide of digital events today. This morning I arose relatively early (by Christmas vacation standards) to get to work finishing my comic strip by its deadline, and I thought, “The past few times I’ve colored this using watercolors I was definitely underwhelmed,” and so the natural next turn was toward Photoshop. After a half hour of fumbling around with my laptop’s touchpad my dear brother saw me and said, “Do you want to use my Wacom tablet?” And I said, “Yes!” And I forgot how much fun–and efficient!–it can be to Wacom. And furthermore I’ve come to believe that staying in the lines while coloring is strictly for kindergarteners:
(Click image for a full view) I suppose you could call this a preview (pick up your copies of the Riverwest Currents this January!). What, I didn’t tell you that my comic strip is about a blogger? Hm.
Anyway, this evening I went to hang out with my friend Holly who gifted me with a ”Finger Beats” drum machine, and later in the evening an old Yamaha keyboard, both of which couldn’t sound less like real instruments, but in the most exciting way. Born in me were ideas for solo electronic projects or at least experiments. I guess I’d put my money on “experiments.”
Somewhere in the middle of these two digital happenings my family and I took a trip to the zoo and I fed a cracker to a giraffe and watched an otter dive into a pool of near-frozen water and it was all very organic and I refreshing, with the snow and the cold air and the smells and noises of animals. I think I’ll always prefer the organic world, but these occasional rendez-vous with the digital are kind of exhilarating. Anyway, it was a nice day, and thanks for reading about it.
Go ahead, you can laugh all you want.
Wednesday, December 26th, 2007I took a single semester of Philosophy in college, a course on ethics. While I don’t regret that I never majored in Philosophy, I do wish I had retained a little more of what I learned in that course. Partly because it’s interesting to me, but even more so because it keeps popping up as a potential storyline. Not just an overarching theme–ethics in this modern world–but philosphy is nosing its way in as plot, as characters: philosophers doing things on pages of a book. Philosophise is an action word. Something is brewing, perhaps. But it will require some of that research that I so dread.
Prince of Peace in a war-torn world.
Monday, December 24th, 2007I thought I’d write a little bit more about Mary and Joseph this Advent and in the end I didn’t write a thing about them. Guessers may suggest it was a Protestant reaction against the virgin Mary (which is not true) or a skeptical mistrust of the earthly father of Jesus, who is barely mentioned after the Nativity story (Did he even stick around?). But the truth is, I have all kinds of respect and devotion when I think about the parents who raised Christ in this world, I just didn’t have the time to write much about them. In my private thoughts I did consider what it would have meant for a scared fifteen year old virgin to learn she was pregnant with the son of God, and why her fiance would stand by her in a time in history when it was not only acceptable but even expected that men put women in their place. I know there was a lot of divine intervention through all of this to make sure that things went on as planned, but even considering that it is pretty evident that Mary and Joseph were some incredible human beings. Those are the things I didn’t have time to write about this Advent, I apologize.
I have a little time today though, on this Christmas Eve of 2007, and I wanted to just say a few things about the Prince of Peace whose arrival we will celebrate tomorrow. Something I have been wondering this season is, “Where is the peace?” Since the birth and life and death and resurrection and ascension of Christ there have been countless wars and holocausts, genocides and massacres, and what’s worse, many of those were exacted in his name. (My grade school mascot was the Crusader, for crying out loud!) Jesus may have been a pacifist himself, but we don’t go around calling every kind-hearted soul the Prince of Peace. Even Ghandi didn’t get that kind of a title. I don’t pretend to know history–I have no idea if the cummulative blood shed was greater in the time before his life or after his life, but I know that this post-Christ era is seemingly infinite and the body-count is growing. How can we call Jesus the Prince of Peace when there is no end in sight, where violence is concerned? Jesus may have saved the souls of this world, but he left us here on earth in no better condition than when he came. Right? So why the “Prince of Peace”?
I don’t really like to admit that my Advent meditation was, at times, less than adoring. We’re supposed to focus on the savior, after all, and didn’t I even write a few words about that, about our expectations being horribly misaligned from God’s? So I continued to ponder it and slowly my skepticism was clouded by a realization. In Advent we are not only remembering what it is to anticipate a savior–a savior who has already come, as those of us in the A.D. know–but we are waiting this very day for his return, when he will bring peace! This is one of those ideas that I’ve heard a thousand times–the second meaning of Advent–but I guess I needed to come to realize it on my own for it to fully sink in. We celebrate the birth of a savior who presently brings peace and quietness to our troubled souls, but we also await a prince of peace who will return and obliterate the suffering of this world! This is something to get excited about, this Advent. Peace is coming! And that name bears all relevance: we await the Prince of Peace.
You will not read my masterpiece of crap.
Sunday, December 23rd, 2007I spent some time yesterday reading through the first draft of my NaNoWriMo novel. And, ugh. It is terrible! I don’t even know if it is salvageable, which is to say that I doubt any of you will ever be reading it. I think I’m learning that I’m not a fiction author. It’s not that I don’t have the imagination, I just don’t have the guts to put any of it down on paper. And I’m not smart enough in anything or willing to do the research to be a non-fiction author. Which pretty much means that this is it, this blog here. I’m a blogger about nothing and it’s time for me to accept it, or embrace it, whichever feels better.
And thanks Arek for taking a look at my code and unveiling the first of hopefully just a few shortcomings of WordPress.
The best thing that will happen this summer.
Saturday, December 22nd, 2007I could post a YouTube version of this, but trust me, you want to see it in all its glory so just click here.
It’s all I have time to post tonight, but it’s all you need, really.
One thing about Forsythia.
Friday, December 21st, 2007There is a new trend this winter: people break icicles off of their houses and stick them pointing upright out of a snowbank, like spikes. I like this. I probably shouldn’t–I’m sure it is dangerous, but I like the aesthetic. It’s about time we did something creative with our icicles, where previously the British have outdone us, or at least Andy Goldsworthy has:
Andy Goldsworthy is The Man, if I may say so. Remind me to scan pictures of a project I did based on his work. In fact, I’m going to spend ten minutes looking for those pictures right now…
Well, I couldn’t find them. And after I gave up looking I went to pick up some dinner, so actually it’s been more than ten minutes that have passed and I’m sure you are just dying to know what this Andy Goldsworthy project of mine looked like but you’ll just have to keep on waiting. For now I’ll just tell you it involved Forsythia and a pool of mud, and yes, a clumsy neighborhood dog did come very close to destroying my vision, but no, he did not prevail.
Edit: Greetings friends from around the globe–it seems that this is my most popular post, and probably you reached it by searching for Andy Goldsworthy, and maybe you were disappointed to find I didn’t have much more insight to offer on the genius of a man. But maybe you would still accept my invitation to visit the rest of my blog, simply by clicking the magic link which is here. Thanks!
Hair and a blank stare.
Wednesday, December 19th, 2007When I write something here I tend to follow up on it, I’ll give myself that. Today is day 3 of the Wear-Your-Hair-Down-Week personal challenge. I feel a little bit like a cat has taken up permanent residence on the back of my shoulders and neck, which is kind of precious when I imagine it that way. If she would only purr. Last night I went to bed before 8:00, curled up in a ball in my toasty little bedroom and I’m wondering if maybe I am becoming a cat myself. Going to bed that early of course means that I was not very productive last night, which was foolish with Christmas and also my comic strip deadline looming.
I’m going to be really terrible at tagging, I can tell. (Can you guess how often I’m going to use the style tag? Hint, not as much as the weather tag.)
What were we expecting?
Sunday, December 16th, 2007As chores go, there are a few which I absolutely dread. Doing laundry. Scraping ice off of my car. Updating my website. I’m not talking about this blog, which is relatively maintenance-free, I’m talking about my painting website which I haven’t touched since January, almost a year ago. I have new paintings that I haven’t posted or even photographed. I have other projects that I am neglecting to highlight. And even if it were up-to-date, the overall design is just sloppy. As a painter I am average. As a webmaster I am awful. I just don’t enjoy it! But this whole marketing thing is something I plan to work on in 2008, even if it means paying someone to do my website. Graphic designers, place your bids.
Anyway, today is the third Sunday of Advent and after a wonderful service at church I was really hoping to write a post about it. But it’s not easily coming to me. Which is frustrating, because for the first Advent in my life I feel like I am actually approaching an understanding of this season, what it means to anticipate the Messiah and wait patiently for the fulfillment of God’s promises. Yesterday I did a small amount of Christmas shopping. I’ve been trying to stay at smaller, independent shops this year, partly to avoid the crowd and also to support local businesses. Well, for a reason that is unimportant here, yesterday it became necessary for me to brave not just one but two major shopping malls. By some Advent miracle I was able to find parking spaces with ease and keep narrowly avoided car accidents to a minimum. And when the wave of industrious holiday shoppers hit me inside the doors of Barnes and Noble I was able to smile to myself and think, “This is not what Christmas is about.” It’s not about buying things, but it’s not about admonishing consumerism either. In Girl Meets God, Lauren Winner writes:
“Christmastime may be the hardest season for churches. We are inured not only to the Christmas story itself, but also to our pastors’ annual rants against consumerism. Every creative attempt to make the season meaningful, to steal it back inside the church, away from the shopping malls and cheesy radio stations, has been tried, and most of those creative attempts have proved wanting. Perhaps the problem is that we don’t know what the meaning of this holiday, of Jesus’ pushing into the world, is. If we did, we wouldn’t have to worry about consumerism; if we knew what the Incarnation meant, we’d be so preoccupied with awe that we wouldn’t notice all the shopping.”
Right, so if it’s all about the pending Incarnation and not about anti-consumerism, then what does the Incarnation mean? Surely God could have found a way to save us without getting dirty down here in the business of being human. God Incarnate spent nine months holed up in the womb of a girl–that was his advent. We look at that and say, “How nice that God would make himself relatable to us!” And, “How humble, to be born in a stable!” Of course, that’s what it means, but is that all it means? In the sermon today it was suggested that God had another motive for writing his story this way. The Israelites were expecting a mighty King to deliver them from Roman oppression, to bring justice and peace in that order. And along came a baby, and it’s as if God said, “No, we’ll do this my way, thank you.” We were reminded this morning that Jesus didn’t come to meet our expectations, but to shatter those expectations and make room for God to do things the way he knew best. When Jesus came we didn’t need the swift administration of justice. In fact, if justice had come before the crucifixion we would all be a lot worse off. The Gentiles would be condemned and the Jews would forever need priestly intercession. I can’t imagine we would rush to the shopping malls to celebrate such disappointment. I don’t think we would even sing carols. No, it had to be in this order. First we needed a savior. Justice will come, I’m sure, but in its rightful time. I think that’s what we are waiting for on this side of the Incarnation.
Anyway, I realize this has been a mostly incoherent post which is what I meant when I said it’s not coming easily. I have plenty of thoughts about this stuff but it’s tough to articulate in a concise couple of paragraphs. You indulge me so by reading this far, really. Here is where I should say something light and witty to remind you that I do occasionally offer something entertaining here, and that’s why you’re not about to delete me from your bookmarks, right?
Choose to bruise.
Saturday, December 15th, 2007Somewhere in my dreams last night I had a thought about free will, which was piggybacked by the thought “You should write about this when you wake up.” It seemed so vivid in its brilliance last night, but like so many dreams upon waking, it has since lost some of its luster. I think, though, that after such an effort to remember this, I owe it to my subconscious to report.
So here. In the dream I was talking to someone (who?) about concepts surrounding God. We came to free will, and I must have explained (although I don’t remember this part) that God created us with free will because he loves us and desires for us to love him back because we want to, not because we have to. The response from this shadowy person was something like, “That’s stupid. If God really loved us he would have omitted free will from our design. Better to be robots who are happy and free from pain and suffering. Better to be robots in tune with their creator than lost and wandering free thinkers.” He went on to explain, “What is the alternative to free will? If we were programmed to obey God and follow his commands we wouldn’t be capable of sin and would never have fallen away from God. We would not need a savior to attain God’s desire for us–eternal fellowship with him–because we would already have it. We might not have chosen it, but everyone would have it and if God really loved us he would want that, he would want to make sure that we were all polished up and neatly put into our places at the end of the day. Instead God has given us the right to choose, putting our salvation at risk, along with our earthly wellbeing: free thinkers dieing of murders, war, cancer, famine, rape, neglect, abuse, disease, poverty, depression, loneliness, suicide–all a result of our choices. This is where our free will ultimately gets us, and maybe some will still choose to seek God through all of that, and to one day spend a perfect, painless eternity with him. And they have chosen to, which pleases God, but isn’t that a rather expensive cost? To turn his eye from so many others, because they wouldn’t tell him what he wanted to hear but he refused to make them tell him? Isn’t this just selfish, on God’s part?”
In my dream I didn’t have an answer, I was more intent on committing the idea to memory. I could come up with a response right now in my wakeful state but it would feel defensive and contrived. My subconscious wanted me to present this side of the argument right now, which is strange because I don’t agree with this side of the argument, and I have never really heard anyone suggest this side of it. The person in my dream genuinely wanted to be a robot! I expect people to say “It’s my life, I can do what I want,” and “If God can turn a blind eye on suffering then I don’t want anything to do with him.” Those are sentiments I can understand, not the desire for programmed response. Who despises their freedom, and the God who gave it to them? Apparently some facet of my subconscious does.
On another day I’ll write my response. I’ll write a love poem about free will–a sonnet, maybe. I think it’s a wonderful thing, although it makes life much more difficult. I think to love someone, you have to let them choose.
It is snowing again. I’ll mention every time it snows, it’s a reflex. You’ll get used to it. I’m trying to get in the habit of using tags, but I think I’ll throw the “weather” tag out the window. I mention the weather a lot, but I don’t want people to get the impression that this is a blog for meteorologists (in case you were starting to wonder). So long weather tag.
