Monthly Archives: March 2008

If I weren’t so sleepy I’d title this.

Saturday, March 15th, 2008

Yesterday I learned that I will be having an art show, my first in Madison. I think it goes without saying, but in case it doesn’t, I am pretty excited about this. And right on the tails of my recent announcement that I was retiring from the arts (a declaration I retracted before I heard about this art show, for the record)! So there is the good news, and now for the slightly panic-inducing news, this art show is to take place in the fine month of April, that is to say two weeks from now, that is to say very very soon. That is to say, I have my work cut out for me and let this serve as the regulation disclaimer that I may not be able to write as much here over the next couple of weeks.

Anyway, in between painting breaks today I stopped by the library, as I recently had to return my previous selections (of which I finished only one, Lauren Winner’s, and a couple stories by Capote and Sedaris. As for the Jim Wallis book, I never even cracked it open!). Today I gravitated back toward the graphic novel section and a funny thing happened. I had picked up two books, one by Daniel Clowes and another by Adrian Tomine, and I guess if you’re not familiar with graphic novels they are two of the big shots, and anyway, I couldn’t do it. Normally I love reading those things, but I couldn’t check them out, or any graphic novels for that matter, because they are all so dang depressing. It seems to me like a lot of comic artists feel that to really establish themselves as legitimate adult artists they need to lay on the drugs and profanity and nudity real heavy. Which is no different than your average movie, I guess, but for some reason today it just struck me as really unappealing. So instead? I checked out two books by a couple of pals of mine (at least in my imagination they are my pals), C.S. Lewis and Madeleine L’Engle, both stories about their respective conversions to the Christian faith. I haven’t read anything by L’Engle since A Wrinkle In Time so I am pretty curious about this one.

Well, in other news of the creative variety, I made a song today. Maybe you would like to hear it? It’s called “Door Mat” and it can be found here. Here are the words, if you are interested in that kind of thing:

Door Mat

If it’s a doormat you’re looking for
I think I’ve got one more for you
Right here in storage
And there’s no need to keep it clean
Go on and wipe your feet
And make your joy complete.

For you will get mud on your shoes
And anyone would blame you
When you get their carpet dirty.
And everyone swore you’d been here before
I guess I missed you that day
But I saw your footprints anyway.

Chorus/psychedelic musical interlude

You have dirty soles and the doormat wants to make you whole
He wants to clean them, can you believe him?
You have a dirty sole and the doormat wants to make you whole
He wants to clean it, can you believe it?

Chorus again.

I don’t think that enough songs get written about doormats, anyway. Also, I finally put up the gem of a cover that my friend Laura and I recorded one night when she was visiting. It’s Little Boxes, also on the Family Band page. You will never hear two girls strain so much to hit the high notes! Well, in case you are worried that I spent my whole day working on songs instead of painting, do not worry because I painted also. I love Saturdays :)

The second time I’ll talk about it here.

Wednesday, March 12th, 2008

I usually spend at least part of my lunch hour flipping through the local paper, and while bad news comes as no surprise, a story printed today was especially disconcerting. A recent study has determined that at least 1 in 4 teenage girls have a sexually transmitted disease (story here), HPV being the most prevalent and, you know, a precursor to cervical cancer. 1 in 4 teenage girls. Now, of course this is an alarming report and I’m sure you can read a billion different reactions to it in a billion different blogs, and I’ll warn you right here, before you read any further, that the reaction I’m about to give is pretty conservative, pretty old-fashioned.

Here is the thing, every news story that is out there (including the one I linked to) reports the tragic facts and then, almost immediately, turns around and says, “The problem is inadequate sex-education!” The inadequate sex-ed, of course, referring to government-sponsored abstinence-heavy sex-ed programs. And yes, I’m sure that a tactic of “Don’t have sex!” is highly inneffective, and to think otherwise is to live in a dream world. Kids have sex. We know this. And apparently they get STDs, in high numbers. But do we really think the problem is the sex-education program? I mean, that might be an ineffective bandage, but is that really what is causing the wound? Do we truly, honestly think that?

I’m not going to go on and on about how backwards our culture has become (you couldn’t even read the article I linked to above without looking at some sexed-up super models caressing one another, but I said I wouldn’t get into it.) All I will say is this: I don’t know if I’ll ever have any daughters someday–I would sure like to–but it makes me very sad to think that I will have to take them to their pediatrician around the age of 10 to start receiving the HPV vaccine, because our culture tells them they have to grow up so fast, and our culture does not believe they are capable of (nor should they have to be) reigning in their hormones, and our culture is perfectly content to bombard them with sexual imagery and ideas and ideals instead of protecting their innocence as long as possible. We are failing our girls, and I don’t think it has anything to do our lousy sex education programs. Our trees have rotting roots. That’s what I think.

Better left to lovers.

Wednesday, March 12th, 2008

Today I cut up an onion, just to see if I could cry, to see if I had any emotion left in this dried up, crippled heart.

Boo hoo, haha. That’s Xanga style! Take that you emo kids.

Actually, I DID cut up on onion today, but it was really only because I was making red potato salad, which went rather deliciously with my black bean burger topped with lettuce, tomatoes, and avocado. Holy yum! I am beginning to understand this species’ fascination with food. Once my stomach settles a bit (I had quite a large dinner) I am going to make myself a mango-pineapple smoothie and sit under my daylight lamps in my studio and give painting another try, because truth be told, I couldn’t ever give it up. (And thank you to anyone who wrote me an encouraging comment yesterday, although some of you technically did break the rules laid out in the title. I appreciate it anyway!)

We are almost halfway through March now. Halfway through the worst, most depressing month of all, at least if you live in Wisconsin (no offense to all March birthdays!). March is a tease, normally, but this year it’s been just plain prudish. It’s not giving us even a glimpse of spring. Even today, when it was supposed to be in the mid-40s for the first time in too long, it felt cold, although it must have been above freezing because along with the potholes I drove through lots of puddles on the way home from work. Day light savings has hit extra hard this month; just as we were getting used to the lighter mornings we are plunged back into something like January, and although I hear birds when I wake up they seem to be saying, “Hey, what the heck! Who woke us up?” instead of “Tra la la, spring is near, spring is here!” Well, all of this sounds like one big paragraph of complaining, but I assure you it’s not. Because, remember, I was rather into winter this year. I opined about the beauty in desolation and despair, and the recurring thought in my mind through the onslaught of snow and ice and wind chill advisories (and repeat) was how silly it all is, this arctic lifestyle we lead. No, I wouldn’t want you to think I am complaining, but I freely admit that I am looking forward to spring. Especially after a winter like we’ve had, as I imagine every ray of sunshine will feel that much warmer, every sugary-scented blossom will smell that much sweeter. I even read in the paper today that Madison is going to start a Pothole Patrol, which makes me happy. The potholes are dangerously close to becoming natural wonders: “Junior, smile for the camera, now, hey! Don’t get too close to the edge!!!”

Anyway, today’s title doesn’t mean anything, it’s just a phrase that popped into my head while I was chopping up my onion (and was, in fact, a bit weepy). I thought it would make a good title for a blog post, but didn’t want to wait around for a pertinent subject matter. It could also be an appropriate title for a Harlequin Romance, if you’re interested in buying the rights. Come to think of it, it could also be the name of a good emo band. (Xanga!)

Comments voicing protest are not allowed.

Tuesday, March 11th, 2008

I don’t generally consider myself the type of person who has an ego-problem.  I like to think, even, that I am somewhat humble, or at least I try to be.  However, every now and then I think that someone, somewhere, with some say in the matter, decides to send me a little insurance to keep it that way.  That is, every once in a while I set out to work on a painting and I am struck by how utterly and terribly awful I am.

I currently have a goal to have a couple new (smaller) paintings ready by Easter weekend to deliver to the shop, and so tonight I planned to really dig in and get some work done.  I think that I actually did the visual world a great disservice tonight, as every time my brush touched the canvas I made the world a little bit uglier.  I am not exaggerating.  Frustrated, I picked up my sketchbook and an odd assortment of mark-making tools (red sharpie, black prismacolor, graphite pencil and some scrap-booking pen) and found that the only thing I was able to do was scribble, outline those scribbles in red, and then scribble some more.  I was a kindergartener.  Maybe younger.

Earlier today I had a training for work and spoke with another woman who is also an artist.  She got me very excited about possibly collaborating on a mural this summer.  My curiosity about murals has been mounting for a while now, so our conversation seemed fated, divinely placed, in some way.  After tonight, though, I really must reconsider.  I’m not talking about just reconsidering the mural idea, I’m talking about reconsidering it all.  After tonight I think I should do everyone a favor and retire as a painter.  Trust me on this.

I have a crown; I am a queen.

Monday, March 10th, 2008

There is a kingdom unlike most others, where royal highness is honored not by wearing magnificent gilded head wear, but by a porcelain trinket, fitted snugly against the humble remains of a failing molar and held there by a sour tasting cement, bonded together, this crown and this queen, for all of eternity. Today I joined the ranks of such royalty. You may catch a glimpse the next time I say “Ahh,” and you may feel a compulsion to bend on one knee in some kind of reverence, but I assure you, it is not necessary. Purchased sovereignty is not sovereignty at all. One day I bit into a piece of candy and my tooth broke, that is all.

It’s fixed, now. Hail the Queen!

On the edge of the waste bin, precariously – Part Two.

Sunday, March 9th, 2008

I didn’t mean to let a week go by before I continued with this post. Maybe you thought I forgot about it. Maybe you even hoped I did! But alas, here I am on another Sunday evening and I fully intend to finish my thought. To refresh our memories (read Part One here), I am the kind of painter who will abandon a project once it has moved out of my control. I will begin to create something, and if it is too slow to get in line with my vision I will scrap it with little remorse. I do not lose sleep over this, generally, that is to say that I am quite at peace with the power I wield as a creator to cease and dismantle any creation that displeases me. Writing that makes me sound like a quitter, but even if that were true about me (I could argue that I’m not, perhaps another day, another post) I would think that even the most steadfast and persevering artist would, at some point when his creation has reached a dark and unforgiving dead-end, give up. Cut our losses, cut and run. It’s expected.

The question I posed in Part One was would God, the Creator, when faced with the same frustrating rebellions of his creation, similarly give up? Setting aside the story of The Great Flood for now (which, like the battlefields of Joshua, is a difficult one to understand) it’s a pretty simple answer. But sometimes simple answers take us by surprise. Such was the case as I was first considering this, some time towards the end of February, after my canvas had disappointed me and I had thrown it away and I thought, “Is this how God operates?”

And a verse crept up on me, kind of toeing shyly at the edge of my consciousness at first, but doing so persistently, and then I had to search around a bit to locate it. In Philippians 1:6 Paul writes, “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Anyway, there is the answer. But I didn’t start writing this to give you a single verse and a pat on the back. I want to make you imagine that, to consider what that means. God. In his studio. Creating.

He’s started this one painting but the framework is a little bit warped. He takes the time to correct it. He is stapling the canvas down but notices it buckles in some places. He carefully removes the staples, pulls the buckled cloth taut, and restaples them. He begins to apply gesso with his wide bristled brush but notices there is dirt and hair collecting on its surface, mixing with the white acrylic and causing the surface an unsightly texture. He waits patiently for it to dry, then sands away the imperfections and applies another coat. He begins to paint, lines of delicately varying weight, arching and dipping gracefully across the canvas, and the subject begins to emerge. It is me. He is continuing to form me with shapes and colors when I make my first ugly mistake. With hardly a blink he corrects it and continues painting. I jerk again, almost involuntarily (but of course it is always voluntarily) and something is smeared. He sighs this time and dutifully he corrects his painting once again, but almost before his brush meets the surface of the canvas his subject has begun her outright rebellion. Every color is garish and unsightly, every line revolts against its intended path and black and gray tangle with muddied pinks and oranges and browns and yellows and the Creator, realizing that the subject has every intention of running its own life, steps back and lets it do so for a time. It becomes increasingly vile, increasingly hideous, and it is painful. It is a crime against the art world, against creation. The Creator, after a time, steps back to his painting and begins to wrestle with it, fighting color with color, texture with texture, and after much effort he has reworked the piece into something lovely, something much closer to what he had intended. The artwork revolts yet again. It threatens to become something putrid, something truly abhorrent, but the Creator had made up his mind before he even began: this was his painting, he would see it through to completion.

And so it goes in God’s studio. We who are creations of a diligent and faithful Creator can be assured that we will not be discarded at the first sign of failure, not even after the tenth or twentieth or ten thousandth mistake. The reason why, I think, is also aided by an art metaphor, that the final work, the masterpiece, is priceless. It will hang in a museum for all to see and it will be a light shining, reflecting the Creator’s glory. There is nothing more valuable to a creator than his masterpiece; it is, without a doubt, worth every drop of sweat, every hour spent toiling. God has given us this promise, that he will sweat over us and toil over us and will not give up on us, no, not ever. I will throw away a canvas because I have failed it, but God will never fail us, and never throw us away. God is faithful. He who began a good work in us will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

So there, your sermon for today. If you’re reading from Wisconsin, go make yourself a mango smoothie and enjoy the last few days of winter. The great melt is coming!

There is no party on Friday night.

Friday, March 7th, 2008

I don’t feel like writing anything intelligent tonight, or anything clever or droll or ironic or challenging. What I feel like is letting out a monumental yawn, then blinking a few times, and then swallowing, closing my eyes, curling into a ball, and falling asleep. Just like that, without even putting on my pajamas. Without even brushing my teeth!

I had a long day.

But it was good. Things of relative importance were accomplished and I laughed numerous times throughout the day and I had the chance to help people which, I am learning, is one of the best feelings or it least it can be if you’re open to it. But even a good day can be a tiring day, and that is that. I don’t feel like writing anything, really.

So as not to leave you unsatisfied, however, I will share a poem I wrote my senior year of college. It was part of a project in my Digital Printmaking class, which is to say that it wasn’t a very good project and it’s probably not a very good poem, but typing the word “yawn” earlier in this post has got it in my head and now I’m afraid I won’t be able to truly rest until I’ve shared it here.

One last thing to preface this: in writing the text to this project I wrestled at great length with various literary authorities over the grammar, and whether to use whom or who, and was rather unsatisfied when the majority vouched for “who” despite its role as the object. But apparently these days “whom” is not as popular, at least when used at the opening of a sentence, object or not. Can anyone clear this up for me? (Ahem, you know who you are!)

Tame

Who is your beast?
Who will feast on your head?
With your whip and your chair
Will you tame it instead?
With its snarling fangs
And its blood soaked maw,
And its Jaws
And its Claws
There’s the thunderous pause
Whilst the beast is restrained,
There’s a rip of applause
For the audience knows
The beast is no match
With your whip and your chair
And your shining top hat
You dominate any who get in your way,
So who will it be?
Whom will you tame?

I guess that doesn’t actually contain the word “yawn” at all, does it? I wonder why “yawn” made me think of it. The project itself contained images of a lion with his mouth wide open, probably roaring, but maybe it makes me think of yawning. I yawned just now typing that. It’s time for bed. (And yes, okay, I’ll brush my teeth and dress in pajamas first.)

Finding things and serving things.

Wednesday, March 5th, 2008

Finding

Today I found three things. Three things that I had been missing, that is, and I found them all at different times and in different places. It was a finding kind of day.

First I found my name tag for work, the one which reads “Breena – Volunteer Coordinator.” I had been missing it for a while and was afraid to say anything, so it came as quite a relief when I found it inside the toe of a boot today!

Second, a few minutes later, I found my flash drive which was an even greater relief, because of late I had come to believe I had lost it for good and unlike a name tag which can be replaced at relatively minimal cost, this flash drive holds everything from the working draft of my NaNoWriMo novel to wedding photos to personal letters, almost none of which are backed up elsewhere. I found it in my purse, which suggests I never really lost it to begin with, but I am not exaggerating when I say I checked my purse twenty times before. For this find I said, “Thank you Jesus!” (It was the most important find of the day.)

Finally, towards the end of the work day, I found my book light which was sitting under my desk in a box of personal items which I have not yet unpacked since my first day at work, back in July of 2007. There have been at least a few evening car trips when I would have liked to have that book light. Never again will I strain my eyes against the fading daylight and think in frustrated wistfulness, “If only, if only!”

I guess finding things isn’t that remarkable. People find things all the time, and when you lose things as often as I do it makes sense that my chances of finding three of those lost things in a single day are heightened due to the sheer number of missing things. But all of this–losing and finding–isn’t really what I intended to write about this evening. It just seemed mentionable, so I mentioned.

Serving

On to other things. In the past three days I have taken two naps, which I thought was a pastime I’d left behind with my college textbooks, or at least napping with such frequency. I think some of the reason that I’ve been so tired after work is because I’ve given up a half hour of sleep in the morning to read from the Bible. I used to hear about people who did that and said, “Yeah right. Sleep is much more important than anything that book could tell me.” Is it? Every morning for the past week and a half I have started my day with a dose of Joshua, which is bloody and difficult and some days I come away thinking, “Really? My God ordered the slaughter of entire cities of men, women, children, and animals? Hm, okay, well it’s off to work I go to love my neighbor and turn the other cheek.” Understanding that book and how it relates to our lives and our relationship with a complex God has never been easy.

But I chose Joshua. Joshua contains one of my favorite passages, which I’ll have to wait until the end of the book to get to but I’ll share it here now. Joshua, after 40 years of wandering in the wilderness, after defeating all of the kingdoms that stood in Israel’s way, after portioning out the promised land to the various tribes, after all of this says to his people, to God’s people, “Fear the Lord and serve him with all faithfulness. Throw away the gods your ancestors worshipped…and serve the Lord. But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve… But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.” (Josh 24: 14-15)

Maybe this is a favorite of mine because it used to hang in our house as I was growing up. “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” There is something about that line that just gets me. Besides nostalgia or the comforts of affiliation, I think it highlights some very important things, including our free will and how that free will seems wan when nestled against a direct command to serve God. Free will is no topic to dip into lightly, especially not towards the end of a post (yes, I’m almost done) but here too I think this line gives reason to think, and not just to Christians and Jews. Everybody serves someone or something, whether it is God, their husband or wife, their children, their employer, their friends, their government, themselves. Maybe some people serve an idea or system of beliefs. Maybe they serve guilt of past crimes, or the promise of future ones, or their possessions or status or rank. Maybe they serve any combination of the above. But we all serve something, and we get to choose what or who that is. There’s a lot of power in a choice like that, a lot of consequence. Much hangs in the balance, as they say! So here, the question you’ve been waiting for, who will you serve? Don’t answer that question to me, I’m no body. But consider it.

Stay warm (let me help you).

Tuesday, March 4th, 2008

warmsmall1.jpg

Read these blogs while wearing a drab gray sweater (and you’ll really be cool).

Monday, March 3rd, 2008

There are some exciting new things happening in the blogosphere, my friends. For my part I am keeping my links section updated, and it would surely behoove you to visit some of the sites listed. I like having friends who write! It motivates me and entertains me and, well, it’s cozy. It’s like we’re all snuggled up on the couch watching a movie, or, I don’t know, reading each other’s blogs on our lap tops. Get one!

Seeing as how today is Superficial Monday I will save Part Two of yesterday’s post for another day and instead let you know about some exciting new things that are happening in the fashion world. Well, one exciting thing in particular. It is my wardrobe, which I decided today deserves its own label.  If I were to start my own clothing line I would be torn between two product names, either “Bland” or “Yawn.”  This, of course, refers only to my workaday wardrobe; my weekend wardrobe remains, as always, “Scrub.”  Affectionately.